Volume 1
Chapter 3 Part
7
Translator : PolterGlast
I couldn't say things
like "Are you okay?" when someone was suffering, or "Don't worry
about it" when someone made a mistake.
I'm not good at being
kind to people. I'm not good at sensing other people's feelings in the first place,
and even if I can sense them, I don't know what to say in response. The only
thing that comes to mind is "I don't know what to do." Everyone
called me a "cold person," and that's probably true.
I couldn't find the
right words, so I kept my mouth shut and became invisible. If I don't talk,
it's the same as not being there.
♢
I realized something
was wrong with me when I was in the second grade.
One of my two close
friends at the time had been crying during a drama practice because a boy made
fun of her. My friend was sitting on the edge of the gymnasium crying. When the
crying didn't stop three minutes before the fifth period started, I left my
friend and went back to the classroom. I didn't want to be late for class, and
when my friend told me to go away, I decided to do so. My other friend stayed
behind for some reason.
They eventually
returned to the classroom around the end of the fifth period. The teacher, who
seemed to know what was going on, did not scold the two friends for being late.
At that time, the teacher gave me a stern look, but I didn't understand what it
meant.
After school, I was
called to the teacher's office and was told about something like
"compassion," but I don't remember much of it. All I remember is that
I realized I was strange.
If I was criticized
for a mistake, I should honestly reflect on it and try not to do it again. But
unless I know why it was a mistake, I would not be able to fix it.
I mean, I would be
late for class. And she told me to go away.
After that, the three
of us walked home together, and we were close friends until I transferred to
another middle school, but this nagging feeling didn't go away. After moving, I
stopped contacting them completely. I thought they must have realized how
strange I was and kept their distance.
Communication is
difficult. Throwing it away like that is the most effective mental sedative.
I'm a strange child. A devil child who can't say kind words.
After being isolated
at my middle school, I went on to a prefectural high school. I thought I would
be isolated as usual, just like in middle school, and in fact, right after I
enrolled, I didn't talk to anyone and just kept my eyes on the novel in my hand
at the very end of the classroom.
A few days after the
entrance ceremony, a girl named Serina spoke to me, who was alone.
"Rin-chan is so
cute."
A girl with long,
beautifully curled hair said this in a bright voice as she peered at my face
from the corner of the classroom.
Then, she poked my
shoulder with her slender finger, surprised that I was as stiff as a statue,
and innocently smiled, saying, "Let's eat lunch together."
From then on, I
started spending time with Serina and Miu, Serina's best friend from middle
school, and my isolated life came to an end for a while.
At first, I often said
insensitive things and couldn't read the room, causing trouble for the two of
them. Even so, they never suddenly distanced themselves from me, and they would
just laugh and call me "a bit strange." So, I tried to become a
normal person before "strange" turned into "weird."
I learned social
skills from them. Things like saying "Are you okay?" when a friend is
sad, or complimenting someone's belongings, "That's cute." I watched
Serina and Miu do things that any ordinary high school girl should be able to
do naturally, and I tried to imitate them. By the summer of my first year of
high school, I felt that I was getting pretty close to being a normal human
being.
Looking back, it was
fun. We went to karaoke after school, took photos at the photo booth. Even
though the group calls before bed were painful, I probably needed those typical
high school girl experiences.
But no matter how many
friends I made or how much I pretended to be normal, what was inside me would
never change.
Serina and Miu were
gradually realizing that I was a strange person. I think they put up with me
for a whole year. I'm grateful that they were kind enough to be friends with a
monster like me.
I don't think there
was any particular trigger. It was just that the sense of discomfort or
incongruity that had been building up slowly finally exploded. It was like
sugar dissolving in water, but eventually, it became saturated and couldn't
dissolve anymore.
"Rin, you don't
understand people's feelings, huh?" Serina said coldly, her eyes welling
up with tears.
"Ah, I messed
up," I thought to myself. This was the moment when our relationship was
irreparably damaged, and there was no going back.
"Rin-chan, you
are not kind," I was told by a friend in elementary school.
"Yorunagi-san,
you are a cold person," I was told by a teacher in middle school.
If you want me to
understand, you should tell me. If you don't, I won't be able to understand
you. Even the kindest people can't accurately read other people's feelings, so
you have to say it yourself, don't be so spoiled.
When I was eating my
lunch alone, the boys in Serina's group started making fun of me. They started
making silly jokes. Serina laughed at me, who didn't say anything back, saying,
"Just stop it."
I wasn't sad about
being alone. It was my fault for insensitively hurting Serina, and I was the
one who needed to be alone in the first place. But I still wanted at least a
quiet solitude.
―Was I such a terrible person that I had to go through
this?
I asked myself this
question over and over again, into the void. If it was a sin that I hurt her
and a punishment that she hurt me, was my wound equal to her wound? Had I hurt
her that much?
Until I understand
that, I cannot allow myself to hold a grudge against Serina.
I'm not Kaito.
Therefore, no matter how much pain I feel, I cannot kill the person who has
wronged me. No one would help me, and there's no Masaki who would take my hand and
say, "Let's go somewhere far away."
So I had no choice but
to end it myself. And so I chose to skip school.
I deleted the contact
information of everyone at school, uninstalled my Instagram account, and
ignored the phone calls from my homeroom teacher, Goto.
In the mornings, I
woke up in a dimly lit room, filled my brain with movies and novels all day
long, and wrote novels when I was overcome with an unbearable sense of
emptiness.
And when I was finally
about to drop out of school, I met Hikaru.
Would he be my Masaki?
Would he take me out
of this darkness?
♢
The rain continued to
fall without abating.
At a rural bus stop,
especially one by the sea with nothing around, buses came only once every two
or three hours. Fortunately, the bus stop where our bus was scheduled to arrive
had a roof over the bench, so we sheltered from the rain and waited for the
last bus, which was scheduled to arrive an hour later.
We remained silent for
a while. The sound of the rain seemed unusually loud, increasing the emptiness
of the silence. This was the first time I had felt awkward about the silence
between us.
Suddenly, a gentle
wind blew through the thin gaps in the rain and gently poked me in the throat.
"......Sorry
about that time."
I said in a rather
meek voice. In my head, my past self was laughing, saying, "What a lame
voice."
Hikaru, who was
brushing his drenched bangs, tilted his head slightly, not understanding what I
was talking about.
"That time?"
"When you said it
wasn't suicide, I took you seriously and was about to leave."
I was about to walk
away when someone was about to commit suicide right in front of my eyes. Some
words had to be said in such a situation, and I should have said them.
"I don't
understand people's feelings at all, and even if I do, I can't say a single
kind word. I think I'm a cold person myself."
A drop of water that
fell from my bangs splashed on my fist, which was clenched on my lap.
"Maybe I don't
have a heart."
The rain was falling
heavier now. Sharp raindrops pierced the puddles that had formed on the road,
creating ripples that were instantly erased by the next raindrops.
"Rin is a kind
person."
"Huh?"
I lifted my face as if
pulled by something.
"Haha, what's
with that face?" Hikaru laughed. "What a stupid look."
"......Haa?"
I let out a protest at
the sudden snide remark, but Hikaru kept his voice calm and continued,
"Rin is a kind girl."
I didn't understand. I
understood the meaning of the words, but I couldn't understand why I was being
told that.
Because, I...
"Even though I
don't understand people's feelings?" I asked quickly.
"You're just a
little slow," Hikaru answered gently.
"Even though I
can't say kind words?" I said in a trembling voice.
"You're just an
overthinker and a sloppy talker."
His voice was warm
like sunlight.
I wish he wouldn't be
so kind. I'm not worthy of being treated kindly.
"......Even
though I'm trying to kill someone?"
He could mock me for
not even realizing that. He could call me a heartless, cold-blooded person who
doesn't understand people's feelings.
And yet, Hikaru smiled
at me with a face that seemed to gather all the kindness in the world.
"It doesn't
matter. Whether or not you kill someone doesn't change your character."
Why, why, why.
I don't know where he
got that idea.
I think I'm not a kind
person. I'm not good at understanding people's feelings, and even if I can
sense that someone clearly wants a warm word, not a single word comes to my
mind.
"Look, you came
with me, didn't you?"
The exchange on the
school's bike parking lot flashed through my mind.
No, that wasn't
because I had such a noble motive as he thought. It was actually because I
wasn't thinking about anything.
I mumbled,
"That's not true." Hikaru slowly shook his head.
I wish he would stop.
Please don't be so nice to me.
I'm a devil child
pretending to be human. I'm a monster who doesn't understand people's feelings.
"Also, I realized
that even though you don't talk much, you have a lot of inner conflicts,"
"......Why do you
think so?"
"Because I read
your novel," Hikaru said with a smile.
"You're bad at
writing dialogue for your characters, but on the other hand, the narrative text
is so heavy with the characters' emotions that it's almost scary. There's no
way a person who writes novels like that doesn't have a heart."
Hikaru looked into my
eyes intently. The sound of the rain remained loud.
If I relaxed my eyes a
little, tears were about to overflow. The poison that had been clinging to my
body for a long time was being washed away.
I smiled like an
innocent little girl, feeling as if I were being torn apart.
"I wish everyone
in the world was like Hikaru."
Such words came out of
my mouth before I could think.
If the whole world was
filled with people like him, I think I could have become a much better person.
Looking up, I met
Hikaru's smirking face.
"What is
it?"
"Rin, you really
like me, don't you?"
Hikaru said that, and
I looked back at what I had just said.
I could feel the heat
rushing to my face from embarrassment. Saying that I wish everyone in the world
were like Hikaru was quite a bold statement, even for me.
"………… The
worst."
"Tsundere."
"Stop it."
"Why? I'm glad
you said that."
"I'm mad at you,
so never talk to me again."
"That would be a
problem," Hikaru lowered his eyebrows. "How can I get you to forgive
me?"
"I won't forgive
you."
"I'll do
anything, so please forgive me."
"Anything?"
"Yeah."
Hikaru nodded.
I fell silent.
Actually, there was
one thing I wanted to ask him for a while.
Rather than wanting
him to do <that>, I wanted to see how I would feel if he did
<that>, and I thought Hikaru was the most suitable person for that.
<That> is
something that people who have built a relationship of trust do. In addition, I
needed to wipe away the tears that had welled up in my eyes without Hikaru
noticing.
However, <that>
was a little embarrassing and I hesitated to say it out loud.
"What? Hurry up
and say it."
Hikaru urged me
impatiently, asking why I hesitated. Feeling cornered, I finally opened my
mouth.
"Then, hug
me."
The bus stop was
instantly silent. Even the sound of the heavy rain seemed to have disappeared
from between us, and only the sound of my heart was beating loudly in my ears.
Just as I was about to
say that I changed my mind because I was embarrassed, Hikaru opened his mouth.
"Sure."
In an instant, I was
wrapped in a warm embrace. When I realized that it was Hikaru's body heat, I
felt my strength drain from me as if a plug had been pulled. As I wrapped my
arms around Hikaru's back and leaned my weight on him, the hug grew stronger.
Our bodies were
pressed tightly together, and I could feel Hikaru's heartbeat directly. Instead
of feeling warmth, I felt a drowsy sense of reassurance and happiness.
It was the first time
I had ever been hugged by someone like this, and I couldn't help but wonder how
that alone could make me feel so fulfilled that I felt as if I were about to
burst into tears. I guess this is what they call <happiness>.
"Rin isn't the
kind of terrible person you think you are. If you want to hate people, hate
them. If you're sad, cry. If you think that way, then that's alright. No one
should interfere with your feelings. They're yours alone."
The words of
acknowledgment I had always wanted to hear were being spoken by Hikaru without
hesitation.
The hug became so
strong that I almost couldn't breathe. Even so, I was so happy that I thought
it would be okay even if my bones were broken.
"Hey,
Hikaru..."
I'm not a kind person
after all.
It's all my fault. And
that's okay.
Because I'm a bad
person, I can only save myself in the worst way possible way. I'm such a
terrible, awful person that I hope you'll forgive me for even thinking about
killing someone.
Because, even so, you
would accept me, right?
"Who will it be
next?"
Hikaru asked gently. I
wonder how long I can cling to this kindness.
The rain was getting
stronger. The accelerated raindrops were pounding on the old tin roof. The
plants around the bus stop were hanging their heads under the weight of the water.
I've been so lost, not
knowing what to do. I don't know if these feelings are acceptable, or if I
should even allow myself to feel them.
Since I can't figure
out what's right,
"Mitsuya
Serina."
Then I might as well
just go all the way and say, "It's all summer's fault."
End of Chapter 3
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