Volume 1
Final Chapter
Part 4
Translator : PolterGlast
After the winter
break, Yorunagi Rin's eyes were filled with the <deep sea> once again.
On the morning of the
opening ceremony, as I was walking along the corridor in front of the
classrooms, I sensed a disturbing atmosphere in the fourth classroom and asked
a female student who was sitting in a seat by the corridor what was wrong.
According to her, Mitsuya Serina was furious, and her anger was directed at
Yorunagi Rin.
It seemed that
Yorunagi Rin was being ostracized from Mitsuya Serina's group.
Wanting to find out
the reason, I asked a boy who was friends with Mitsuya Serina. At first, he refused
to talk, but when I begged him, he eventually told me a <rumor> about
her.
When I heard the
story, I thought it was ridiculous, but he said he had proof. He showed me the
screenshot on his smartphone.
The girl in the photo
that he said was Yorungi Rin was clearly not her from any angle. The position
of her calves was completely different.
"Nonsense,"
I could imagine Yorunagi Rin retorting so.
However, contrary to
my expectations, she looked extremely depressed.
When I peeked into her
classroom during lunch break out of concern, I found her face whiter than
paper, her ink-stained eyes trembling, and she was staring at her clenched
fists on her lap. The worst atmosphere pervaded the classroom of Class 4,
composed of Rin Yonagi, who kept silent as if to block out everything in the
classroom, and Mitsuya Serina and her friends, who made fun of her.
When the chime rang, I
was about to return to my own classroom when my eyes met hers.
I felt my heart skip a
beat. "No way," such words escaped from my mouth. —Her eyes contained the <deep sea> I had
been longing for all this time.
Solitude suited her
best. It wasn't like Yorunagi Rin to force a smile in a group. The cause of her
<eyes> — the cause of her unhappiness — was loneliness.
Mitsuya Serina had
created the <deep sea> in her eyes again.
When I realized this,
I felt a shiver run down my spine. It was the same feeling I had when I first
made eye contact with her.
It was a distorted
love, close to worship, that couldn't be disguised by a word like love.
In front of her, all
humans were ordinary. Everything was worthless. I was convinced that she was
such an existence.
---
In the summer of my
second year of high school, the desire to die arose again.
After that, Yorunagi
Rin never appeared in front of me again. I felt like I had been abandoned by
God. I became like an empty shell, losing my will to live as if my spiritual
backbone had been pulled out.
I thought, "I've
had enough." After all, I was a person who couldn't be happy, that was
all.
I skipped the closing
ceremony and went to the fourth floor. In a typical public high school, the
rooftop is locked.
Sitting on the edge of
the window, I looked blankly out at the clouds in the distance, enjoying the
lukewarm breeze and the sharp sunlight. It wouldn't be bad to have this as my
last view. I thought it would be fitting for someone like me to die in the
middle of summer. When I thought that, I heard a voice.
"Natsuno,"
it said.
Drawn by the dignified
sound that rippled through the silence, I looked behind me.
Yorunagi Rin was
there.
She was looking at me
with eyes filled with the mystery of the <deep sea> that seemed to
contain everything in the world.
I wondered why she was
there. Suppressing my urge to be flustered, I faced her.
Apparently, she was
going to quit school. When I asked her why, she told me that it was due to
health problems. In reality, Mitsuya Serina was probably the cause.
I was sure she liked
being alone. But she was not resistant to loneliness.
Oh, how unfortunate
this girl was.
Was she able to
acquire such beautiful eyes because her mind was being consumed by the
loneliness she loved so much? Poor thing. So pitiful, and yet so incredibly
beautiful.
That day, I got her
contact information, and I had a reason to live again.
Every time I learned
something she liked, the ideal her in my mind became more realistic. That's
right, she had to be lonely. Yorunagi Rin shouldn't have a silly, forced smile.
The deeper her
loneliness, the more beautiful she became.
I read Rin's novels.
I got to know Rin.
I was fascinated by
Rin's dark eyes and by Rin herself.
A head small enough to
fit in one hand, eyes, nose, and mouth neatly arranged on a small face, white
ears leading to a slender chin, and shoulders that were terrifyingly thin. I
wondered what would happen if I hugged her. Would she crumble? Would she
disappear like a delicate sculpture made of ice, melting away with a slight
temperature?
I continued to worship
her. I wanted hope to live, and I tried to find it in Yorunagi Rin.
However, no matter how
fulfilled I felt, it was just a distortion of perception.
It wouldn't fill the
void within me. I realized that her existence was merely something to obscure
the current dark situation and deceive myself.
It seemed that
children who were not raised properly would grow up to be adults with something
missing. Or perhaps it was missing from the beginning. Even if I had been
raised properly by good parents, I think I would have ended up the same way. It
wasn't anyone's fault, it was just that I was that kind of person.
There was a hole in my
heart. Every time I tried to get closer to happiness, I felt a sense of
emptiness. There was no hope for me.
Even she couldn't be
my reason to live. The dark reality kept coming to mind, and I always had a
desire to end everything.
What should I do about
this urge to end it all?
Surely, the most
correct choice was to just keep living. Things would change over time. No
matter how eternal the current dark situation seemed, time flowed equally for
everyone. During the time I waited for time to pass, I should have made her my
god, clung to her, and lived by deceiving myself with various emotions.
After graduating from
high school, I would leave this town. I could even cut ties with my mother
someday. From then on, I could live as I pleased. I could gradually return my
mind to a healthy state. I might even be able to interact with her with a purer
heart without having to make her a god. In this way, I should have come as
close to happiness as possible.
However, this defect
was much more serious than I had thought. Something necessary to believe in a
happy future was completely missing.
The hope of some
future day seemed nothing more than an illusion, and the end, which I could reach
out and touch, was irresistibly attractive. No matter how much fun I had, it
was just a painkiller to deceive my dark emotions.
---
I learned that my
childhood friend, Sasaki, liked Rin on our way home from the school's summer
special course.
"Hikaru, are you
dating Yorunagi-san?"
Sasaki, who was
walking next to me with his bicycle in tow, suddenly asked me this. I raised an
eyebrow, wondering why he had mentioned Rin's name.
"Why?"
"Well, the other
day, I saw you going into her house."
"How did you know
her house?"
"Well, I've been
curious about her, you know."
Sasaki scratched the
back of his head as if embarrassed.
"But I never know
what she's thinking. So I was curious about a lot of things, and I followed her
a little, and then I found out where her house was. So, are you dating her
after all?"
"No, we're not
dating," I said casually. "I was just being asked by Goto-sensei to
give her a handout. You know, it would be conspicuous at school."
"It's tough being
a popular guy."
Sasaki said with a
carefree smile. I replied, "I'm not popular."
"But that's a
good thing, otherwise, I wouldn't have a chance against you."
Even if I wasn't
dating her, Sasaki would definitely have no chance. I couldn't imagine Rin
liking him. Rin wouldn't fall for such a boring, ordinary person.
"Yorunagi-san is
quiet, but when you look closely, she's really cute, isn't she?"
"I can see
that," I said.
"And it's not
just her face—I love her eyes the most." I couldn't believe my ears.
I listened to Sasaki's
words, dumbfounded.
"I like those
dark eyes. It's kind of mysterious, unlike other girls. It's like I could be
sucked in when I meet her gaze. I want to be the only one reflected in those
eyes."
I wasn't the only one
who was fascinated by her eyes.
For a moment, I was
overcome by a terrible feeling of jealousy. A dark, gloomy emotion ran through
my body, making me want to scratch my throat. What was this pain?
Suddenly, I remembered
that I was a flawed human being. The immediate end was more appealing than the
hope of what might be in the future. —So, I decided to give myself the happiest
possible closure before my unfulfilled heart could no longer be completely
deceived.
I would keep her
unhappy, dark, <deep sea> eyes, all to myself.
With this thought in
mind, I came up with the idea of a game.
It was a substitution.
I could replace the cause of her unhappiness from Mitsuya Serina to Natsun
Hikaru.
I would kill the cause
of her unhappiness ― Mitsuya Serina in front of her, and then I would die in
front of her. That way, the name [Natsuno Hikaru] would be engraved in her mind
for the rest of her life.
In a world where the
person who once made her lonely was no longer there, she would have to live
resenting the new cause of her loneliness ― Natsuno Hikaru.
Yesterday, she said
with a sad smile, "I wish everyone in the world was like Hikaru."
That's right, from now
on, your world will be just me. The <deep sea> that dwelled in your eyes
would be mine.
You, Rin, have to live
with a resentment only against me.
I will be the only
cause of her unhappiness. I will be the only one to receive her dark gaze. I
hope her beautiful <deep sea eyes> are made of resentment toward me. I
wish I could become Rin's everything.
Then, I might be a
little rewarded.
— Hey, that's enough, right?
"I had fun
too."
No need for long
speeches. Just like in the novels she writes.
♢
"Are you still
alive?" I asked the void.
"Hey,
Hikaru."
There was no reply.
"Are you really
going to die?"
I wonder if my voice
reached him.
Hikaru, sitting on the
bench with his eyes closed, was perfectly suited to the description "as if
he were asleep." I know he was not asleep, and I am sure of it.
I stood there for a
while, lost in thought, just gazing at the scene in front of me.
It was another hot
day. The heat was stifling, like being submerged in hot water. The sunlight was
so strong that it seemed to burn my skin.
The weather forecast
predicted that it would rain tomorrow. The temperature would probably drop
sharply after that day. I was a little dumbfounded at myself for unconsciously
checking the weather for the next day, even though I said everything would end
on August 31st.
Gradually, the sun
began to set obliquely, casting a yellow glow on Hikaru's face. It was like the
lighting in a photo studio, highlighting Hikaru's beauty.
Beautiful eyebrows and
nose, relaxed lips, closed eyelids. It was a perfect creation that could only
be described as a masterpiece of God. A deep shadow was cast on the opposite
side of Hikaru.
"You're such a
handsome guy."
I said out loud in a
deliberately bright voice. My voice echoed through the quiet abandoned station
and was comical. I thought to myself that it was a voice that didn't suit me.
Hikaru would probably think the same.
Natsuno Hikaru, the
perfect human, was even beautiful in death.
The flowing blood,
bathed in sunlight, seemed like dye coloring a work of art. I didn't consider
the blood to be filthy, but it was just a little out of place in such a beautiful
man. I wished I could bring the most expensive red dye in the world.
I thought it might be
a bit disrespectful, but I wanted to capture this beautiful scene, so I pulled
out the camera from Hikaru's backpack. Slowly, with my ears attuned to the silence
and the chirping of cicadas, I pointed the camera.
One shot of just
Hikaru and the bench, and then a more detailed profile shot with the dazzling
blue sky in the background. I continued shooting until the film dial stopped
turning. When I returned home, I would print them out and put them in an album
along with the photos I had received from Hikaru.
I walked slowly
through the station.
I felt a little
disappointed. After all, it had been proven that I was wrong in thinking that
he was similar to me.
Even so, if he were
the same kind of person as me, he wouldn't have been able to meet such a
beautiful end.
"Hikaru."
I sat down on the
bench and called his name. I pronounce the three syllables, which were dearer
to me than any other words in the world, with the gentlest voice I could
muster. The warm aftertaste in my mouth flowed softly down my throat and seemed
to reach my heart.
I looked at his
beautiful profile, then back at the blue sky.
For me, what the other
party said was all that I needed to know about them.
When they said they
were fine, they were fine; when they said don't worry about it, I could simply
forget it; when they said they wanted to die, they could die. And yet—
"Why?"
Why does my heart hurt
so much?
"Why, why?"
No matter how many
times I ask, no one can give me an answer. I remember that fact again. I can't
breathe, as if my throat is being squeezed.
Why, why, why—
I want to analyze
these feelings as soon as possible.
Just like when I write
a novel.
I want to understand
the cause of my pain and feel at ease. I want to resolve this inexplicable
turmoil in my heart as soon as possible.
Driven by an unknown
sense of urgency, I spun my thoughts at a speed that would burn out my brain
circuits.
Am I sad? Let the
tears flow. My eyes have been dry for a long time.
Is this pain? Is the
feeling of my chest being squeezed due to pain?
No, it's different.
This emotion.
A feeling like an ice
blade was stabbed into my heart.
While embracing that
pain, I came to one conclusion.
"Maybe I liked
Hikaru."
I said to him, who no
longer moved.
We shared similar
tastes, we sympathized with each other for never being understood by anyone
else, we got closer, and sometimes we even clashed. But I still followed Hikaru
and finally came to this point. For me, Hikaru was special.
A year and one month
since I met Hikaru. There were many ups and downs, but it was a vibrant time
that could never be compared to any other part of my life before that.
And, a burning pain in
my chest.
I just realized the
nature of this emotion.
— This is love.
"Hey, Hikaru.
Listen, I think I loved you."
In an instant,
everything seemed distant. In the midst of it all, only my own voice sounded
ridiculously clear.
"Can you hear me?
Hey."
I knew he wouldn't
answer. Still, my voice didn't stop.
"Don't go yet.
Wait, Hikaru."
I knelt down,
pleading, and grasped Hikaru's limp hands. I realized that the warmth of life
was fading from those hands, and I snapped back to reality. Then, as if
reminded, the sound of cicadas reached my ears.
I stood up and looked
at Hikaru.
His face, calmer than
any expression he had ever worn before, gave me a feeling like my throat was
being crushed. I scoffed inwardly, wondering why I felt so hurt.
The pouring sunlight
was like a spotlight on the desolate station. It seemed as if every element of
this stage had been created solely for Hikaru. It was a more beautiful sight
than any last scene I had ever seen in a movie, or any sentence I had ever read
in a novel.
I heard somewhere that
the last sense a person has when they die is hearing. I guess that's something
only a dead person would know, but—
"I loved you too,
Hikaru."
I prayed fervently
that it wasn't too late.
Hikaru's eyes were
closed as if he were asleep.
I sat sideways on the
bench and leaned against Hikaru. Then I looked up at the sky through the gap in
the roof where a branch was protruding. After burning that blue into my brain,
I quietly closed my eyes.
I remember the summer
Hikaru gave me. The bicycle ride under the dappled sunlight, the favorite movie
we watched all night, the disaster I felt on the other side of the door, the
sound of the sea that wouldn't leave my ears, and the abandoned station. I will
carry the memories of these seven days with me for the rest of my life.
Everything no longer
matters.
Life, emotions,
breathing, heartbeat.
I no longer needed
anything to live.
A warm breeze swayed
my hair.
A floating sensation,
like being submerged in water. The heat of the sunlight on my face. The
melancholy that time would continue to flow. The tickle of Hikaru's hair
against my neck.
A lot of information
flowed into me, but it dissipated before it could be sublimated into emotion.
I painted the most
beautiful picture I could imagine in my mind. Hikaru was at the center of it.
The setting sun at the
end of summer, cumulus clouds, and the chirping of cicadas.
I wanted to stay
drowned in this terrible summer heat forever.
-----
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